Calories That Don't Count

I have found from a lot of good research that the following foods and situations have no calories to speak of. You can eat all you want with a clear conscience!

Food On Foot - All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs, and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking appears to accelerate this process, so that an ice cream bar or hot dog eaten at the state fair actually has a calorie deficit. Uneven Edges - Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten. Balanced Food - If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
Food On Toothpicks - Sausage, cocktail franks, cheese, and crackers are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom. Charitable Foods - Girl Scout cookies, bake-sale cakes, ice cream socials, and church gatherings all have a religious dispensation from calories.
Custom-Made Food - Anything somebody makes "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories, because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive. Your kind intentions will not go unrewarded.

Eating with Girlfriends - If you are out to lunch, or eating any other food, with girlfriends than of course there are no calories.

Out of Town Eating - Go ahead add a slice of cheesecake to the end of a meal, If you are out of town the calories can't travel home with you.